Beautifully Painful

I've been thinking about something lately, and realizing that I might be getting to the age where you finally start to realize that you actual know nothing and in reality have so many flaws and downfalls to work on. I'm sure this coming of age awareness happens at a different time for everyone, but it seems to be one of those experiences that once it happens to you, you realize you are now officially "old". I say "old" with the utmost respect because in these terms it's when you officially shed what's left of your egocentric, self centered, narcissistic youthhood and enter true adulthood. This adulthood consists of constantly being reminded how much you actually don't know, how many times you were wrong, how many ways you've misjudged, and how unfairly you have treated people in the past. It's a real treat. Young (relatively young) people don't have this, and the longer you are in the "old" phase, the less you really are there, and age has absolutely nothing to do with it. It's those of us, entering or smack dab in the middle that feel the full monty of this painfully beautiful phase of life.

It's painfully beautiful to shed your rose colored mirror that has been planted right in front of your face for the past whatever number of years and realize that there is a whole world of people who are just like you and nothing like you at the same time. There is a world of people that you thought you knew and thought you understood, but in reality you have no clue at all what makes them who they are. It's painful realizing that when someone you know goes home at night and closes their front door, you have no idea who they are or what happens behind that door for them. It's the painful realizing that person you scowled at, or felt annoyed with actually shares more in common with you than you could have ever imagined. It's painful realizing that naughty kids aren't naughty kids at all, but kids who are actively just trying to figure out this confusing world and maybe carrying a heavier weight on their shoulders than you could ever imagine. It's beautifully painful to realize people really are just doing the best they can. It's beautiful to finally be honest about who you are and what you want out of life, and be unapologetically be that person. Its beautiful to stop caring what people think about you and start caring about who people are and what they need. It's  beautifully painful to realize you don't always know everything. It's painful to realize you are one tiny person in a world full of people who will always be much more skilled, intelligent,  beautiful and agile than you. Its beautiful to realize that skill, and intelligence, beauty and agility are small pieces to much more complicated people, and that you may actually appreciate compassion, kindness, generosity, and a listening ear way more than beauty, brains, or a body. It's painfully beautiful to realize you have something to offer this world, and even more painfully beautiful when you realize it's not a piece of your mind, but a hand, an ear, a shoulder, or a smile. It's painfully beautiful when you realize it's not the past you can change, but the now and tomorrow.

I've experienced quite a few beautiful and painful experiences over the last few days as this concept has been in the forefront of my mind. I've felt the sting of judgement, that I know I've dished to someone else. I've felt the smack of assuming something, to only be completely wrong. I've felt the beautiful feeling of letting go of judgement and replacing it with kindness. I've felt the beautifully free feeling of realizing I can't control other people, but I can certainly control myself. I've become painfully aware of my weaknesses, and beautifully aware of my ability to overcome them. These new wings of awareness are quite the weight, but now that I can actually see what I'm holding, I realize the true blessing of this gift. It's my choice now if I carry them around like a heavy weight on my shoulders or if I learn to fly.

Working on working

The past several months I've been on a mission of self discovery. My life situation has changed and it's caused me to take a look at every aspect of my life and reexamine it. Like I mentioned in my last post, I've been spending a lot of conscious time getting to know who I really am, instead of who I thought I was. It's been surprisingly difficult. It's not always easy to be totally honest and to allow who you truly are to come out. Some aspects are easy, sometimes it's hardly a thought, yup, I like that. Other times, the subject or question maybe complicated and the answer isn't always so clear, or still other times maybe I have such a strong reaction to something and I cannot figure out why I feel so strongly about something. Does that even make sense? (I'm both asking that question to you, and to myself... does anything really make sense to me?) :)

Anyways, because I've been much more aware of self discovery I'm trying to make an effort to spend more time doing the things I've learned bring me joy. One of those things for me has been writing, obviously blog writing is great, but novel writing more specifically. I talked about in a previous post that I was going to write a novel and be intentional about going after my goal.  I've tried several times in the past to write a novel, but slowly the "novel"ty- hahaha wore off and I would lose motivation 50-60 pages into the book. Thinking about all of my partially completed books makes me infuriated at myself. So, this time I set myself up in a different way. I'm approaching writing this book in a completely different way than all my others in the past. I am finding a lot of joy in working on it, doing something different and taking that time for myself. I'm working on working. I'm working on making work a priority instead of something I'll do if there is time and energy at the end of the day (which shockingly enough there never is, groundbreaking right?)

Working on work is something I've missed. I'm amazed at how much having a project to work on changes my state of mind. So many times we shy away from work or we do whatever we can to get out of work, but the mental and emotional boost that work gives us is undeniable. I feel better when I'm working on something for myself. Do you?

What are you working on?

Me- but the "ideal" me...

I've been thinking a lot lately about what ideal looks like. When we think about the ideal situation or the ideal date or the ideal lifestyle it's all so subjective. What I may think is ideal, another person might find off putting or boring. Vacations are the prime example of this- what my ideal vacation looks like someone else might find boring and lackluster. In the same respect, what someone else sees at the ideal vacation, I might find exhausting and overwhelming. While thinking about "ideal" and how relative it is, it gave me a little perspective. I realized that if my "ideal" can vary so much from another person, why I am worried at all about what other people are doing? Someone's life may look so different from mine, and that's because, like our vacations, we may want two totally different things. We may be headed in opposite directions, and I'm over here judging myself based on what someone else is doing? How silly is that?

Why do we, and by we I mean me, do that? Why do we look at other people's lives and either credit or discredit ourselves based on someone else? Why do we allow someone else's journey influence ours at all... ever? I think it's human nature to look around and want to try to judge ourselves based on those around us. I've noticed by accident I've been teaching my child to do that (which I have stopped immediately BTW). I tell my son to look around at the other kids to see that he is behaving differently from the other kids around him and I am unintentionally teaching him to try to be like everyone around him, which I despise. It makes me feel so bad that I've even just briefly tried to get him to be like anyone else around him, except himself. I think we all do it though, we all look around and see what we're doing that others aren't, or what others are doing that we aren't. We then try to copy or emulate what they are doing or not doing... then we spend the rest of our lives trying to figure out why we aren't happy with our lives, and it's because we are trying to live someone else's life.

I think because this is so ingrained in us, it takes a long time to even figure out that we are doing it, and an even longer amount of time trying to figure out how to stop doing this. It's incredibly difficult to tune out all the outside voices, and even inside voices that are telling us to get in line and blend it and go with the flow. It seems like it takes a lot of practice to sit down and say "This is what I want and this is my ideal, not because someone around has it, but because it's what I really like or want." I think learning to hear your own positive internal voice is such an amazing skill, one that I am working on developing right now.

The first thing I'm doing to start hearing that voice is to stop telling my kid to ignore his and listen to others. Don't get me wrong, I want him to follow rules and be able to take directions, I just don't want him to ever stop listening to that voice that tells him who he is- regardless of anyone around him. Little kids for the most part hear this voice loud and clear. If they feel like dancing- they dance, music, no music it doesn't matter. If a little kid likes a shirt, they wear it every day and they aren't ashamed that they wore it yesterday or the day before, because they like it. I'm not saying I want to start wearing my dirty laundry, but I want that state of mind back. I want to be unapologetically myself.

The second thing I'm doing to reclaim this voice is to start getting to know myself better. I'm trying to be more conscious of spending time with myself and really thinking about what matters to me, and what my "ideal" looks like. I've been trying to pay attention to the times I feel genuinely happy or content. I'm trying to listen to my body and my heart when I feel unhappy or dissatisfied. It's been interesting to really put some effort into getting to know myself, I highly recommend it. Spend some time with yourself- think about the hard questions... where do you stand? What makes you happy? What makes you sad? When are you most content?

The more I've started to think about my relationship with myself, as just that a relationship the more honest I feel like I can be with myself. As weird or bizarre as it may seem to think about and really put time and energy into building a healthy relationship with yourself, it is one of the most important relationships you or I could have. Think about it, if you  take care of yourself, take time for reflection and mediate, if you spend quality time doing self reflection and really getting to know and love yourself, your ability to love and get to know others grows exponentially. I also think about what a great example it is to our children, to show them that self love is the so important. If we teach by example taking care of yourself, and being aware of yourself from the time they are so little they can gain even more than we ever could. Think about what the next generation looks like if we are raising children that love themselves, that take care of themselves both mentally and physically, that take time to reflect and that are so in tune with their bodies and minds, that have a solid foundation of who they are and what they value?? What does the world look like? What does their life look life? What kind of children do they raise?

For me, that seems exciting. It seems worth it to spend some time getting to know myself and working on being the best version of myself and what that can do for my children. I don't think we always realize how much our habits and examples influence people around us and particularly the people we are raising. So, love yourself today, spend some time with yourself today, and help your little ones do the same thing.

Being More Intentional

Lately its seems like I've had so much on my mind. I've had so many ideas and dreams that keep pestering me, but in the most unorganized way. I can't say that I have plans and processes worked out, but I've decided that would be a great place to start. While listening to a few different podcasts, I had the realization that instead of waiting for the whole plot of things to unveil itself in my head, I should start trying to be more intentional with my time and my mental energy. I'm never going to organize my thoughts and develop a solid plan if I don't take the time to work through things. It's like I'm constantly bothered that the kitchen is a mess, but instead of taking 15 minutes and cleaning it, I spend 20 whining and complaining that it's dirty.

I heard an idea once that said "If it takes less than two minutes to do, do it now." So many times I am guilty of taking more time procrastinating the task than the actual task would take. Well, no more I say! Time to get intentional. Time to put some mental and physical energy into working on what I want to accomplish. First things first- writing them down!

So, here's what I'd like to accomplish: I want to write a book, well I want to write lots of books, but for now I'd like to write one. I want to entertain. I want to tell a story. I want to create a world that I'd like to be apart of, and can go and escape to when life gets tough. I want to create characters that I'd like to be- or know. I want to take them on adventures and places I'm scared to go. I want to write a book that people read and say "I was entertained. I fell in love. I want to go there. I want to be this character, or I feel like I already know that character. I want to live in that world, and for a week or two I did."

I have a number of fears going into such a huge undertaking. The first one is my insecurities. I'm not the best writer, I am no grammar genius. I know my novel will take LOTS of help and support before it would be presentable. The second thing I'm worried about is the time and energy it will take to accomplish this goal. Some days I get to the end of the day and I barely have enough energy to brush my teeth, much less sit at my computer and create a world. My last worry is probably the most obvious, but I'm scared of being rejected. I realize that people will hate my work. I realize it won't be everyone's cup of tea, and honestly I think I'm ok with that, at least I hope I am. How do you really ever know something like that until  you're there? That is both the simple truth and the scariest thought, you don't know until you know. So, here goes, I want to know so I have to go and find out. Cheers to the big leap, and intentionally pursuing something you want! What's your big leap? What's something you really want, but have either been too scared or too disorganized to go after it?