Beautifully Painful

I've been thinking about something lately, and realizing that I might be getting to the age where you finally start to realize that you actual know nothing and in reality have so many flaws and downfalls to work on. I'm sure this coming of age awareness happens at a different time for everyone, but it seems to be one of those experiences that once it happens to you, you realize you are now officially "old". I say "old" with the utmost respect because in these terms it's when you officially shed what's left of your egocentric, self centered, narcissistic youthhood and enter true adulthood. This adulthood consists of constantly being reminded how much you actually don't know, how many times you were wrong, how many ways you've misjudged, and how unfairly you have treated people in the past. It's a real treat. Young (relatively young) people don't have this, and the longer you are in the "old" phase, the less you really are there, and age has absolutely nothing to do with it. It's those of us, entering or smack dab in the middle that feel the full monty of this painfully beautiful phase of life.

It's painfully beautiful to shed your rose colored mirror that has been planted right in front of your face for the past whatever number of years and realize that there is a whole world of people who are just like you and nothing like you at the same time. There is a world of people that you thought you knew and thought you understood, but in reality you have no clue at all what makes them who they are. It's painful realizing that when someone you know goes home at night and closes their front door, you have no idea who they are or what happens behind that door for them. It's the painful realizing that person you scowled at, or felt annoyed with actually shares more in common with you than you could have ever imagined. It's painful realizing that naughty kids aren't naughty kids at all, but kids who are actively just trying to figure out this confusing world and maybe carrying a heavier weight on their shoulders than you could ever imagine. It's beautifully painful to realize people really are just doing the best they can. It's beautiful to finally be honest about who you are and what you want out of life, and be unapologetically be that person. Its beautiful to stop caring what people think about you and start caring about who people are and what they need. It's  beautifully painful to realize you don't always know everything. It's painful to realize you are one tiny person in a world full of people who will always be much more skilled, intelligent,  beautiful and agile than you. Its beautiful to realize that skill, and intelligence, beauty and agility are small pieces to much more complicated people, and that you may actually appreciate compassion, kindness, generosity, and a listening ear way more than beauty, brains, or a body. It's painfully beautiful to realize you have something to offer this world, and even more painfully beautiful when you realize it's not a piece of your mind, but a hand, an ear, a shoulder, or a smile. It's painfully beautiful when you realize it's not the past you can change, but the now and tomorrow.

I've experienced quite a few beautiful and painful experiences over the last few days as this concept has been in the forefront of my mind. I've felt the sting of judgement, that I know I've dished to someone else. I've felt the smack of assuming something, to only be completely wrong. I've felt the beautiful feeling of letting go of judgement and replacing it with kindness. I've felt the beautifully free feeling of realizing I can't control other people, but I can certainly control myself. I've become painfully aware of my weaknesses, and beautifully aware of my ability to overcome them. These new wings of awareness are quite the weight, but now that I can actually see what I'm holding, I realize the true blessing of this gift. It's my choice now if I carry them around like a heavy weight on my shoulders or if I learn to fly.

Working on working

The past several months I've been on a mission of self discovery. My life situation has changed and it's caused me to take a look at every aspect of my life and reexamine it. Like I mentioned in my last post, I've been spending a lot of conscious time getting to know who I really am, instead of who I thought I was. It's been surprisingly difficult. It's not always easy to be totally honest and to allow who you truly are to come out. Some aspects are easy, sometimes it's hardly a thought, yup, I like that. Other times, the subject or question maybe complicated and the answer isn't always so clear, or still other times maybe I have such a strong reaction to something and I cannot figure out why I feel so strongly about something. Does that even make sense? (I'm both asking that question to you, and to myself... does anything really make sense to me?) :)

Anyways, because I've been much more aware of self discovery I'm trying to make an effort to spend more time doing the things I've learned bring me joy. One of those things for me has been writing, obviously blog writing is great, but novel writing more specifically. I talked about in a previous post that I was going to write a novel and be intentional about going after my goal.  I've tried several times in the past to write a novel, but slowly the "novel"ty- hahaha wore off and I would lose motivation 50-60 pages into the book. Thinking about all of my partially completed books makes me infuriated at myself. So, this time I set myself up in a different way. I'm approaching writing this book in a completely different way than all my others in the past. I am finding a lot of joy in working on it, doing something different and taking that time for myself. I'm working on working. I'm working on making work a priority instead of something I'll do if there is time and energy at the end of the day (which shockingly enough there never is, groundbreaking right?)

Working on work is something I've missed. I'm amazed at how much having a project to work on changes my state of mind. So many times we shy away from work or we do whatever we can to get out of work, but the mental and emotional boost that work gives us is undeniable. I feel better when I'm working on something for myself. Do you?

What are you working on?

Me- but the "ideal" me...

I've been thinking a lot lately about what ideal looks like. When we think about the ideal situation or the ideal date or the ideal lifestyle it's all so subjective. What I may think is ideal, another person might find off putting or boring. Vacations are the prime example of this- what my ideal vacation looks like someone else might find boring and lackluster. In the same respect, what someone else sees at the ideal vacation, I might find exhausting and overwhelming. While thinking about "ideal" and how relative it is, it gave me a little perspective. I realized that if my "ideal" can vary so much from another person, why I am worried at all about what other people are doing? Someone's life may look so different from mine, and that's because, like our vacations, we may want two totally different things. We may be headed in opposite directions, and I'm over here judging myself based on what someone else is doing? How silly is that?

Why do we, and by we I mean me, do that? Why do we look at other people's lives and either credit or discredit ourselves based on someone else? Why do we allow someone else's journey influence ours at all... ever? I think it's human nature to look around and want to try to judge ourselves based on those around us. I've noticed by accident I've been teaching my child to do that (which I have stopped immediately BTW). I tell my son to look around at the other kids to see that he is behaving differently from the other kids around him and I am unintentionally teaching him to try to be like everyone around him, which I despise. It makes me feel so bad that I've even just briefly tried to get him to be like anyone else around him, except himself. I think we all do it though, we all look around and see what we're doing that others aren't, or what others are doing that we aren't. We then try to copy or emulate what they are doing or not doing... then we spend the rest of our lives trying to figure out why we aren't happy with our lives, and it's because we are trying to live someone else's life.

I think because this is so ingrained in us, it takes a long time to even figure out that we are doing it, and an even longer amount of time trying to figure out how to stop doing this. It's incredibly difficult to tune out all the outside voices, and even inside voices that are telling us to get in line and blend it and go with the flow. It seems like it takes a lot of practice to sit down and say "This is what I want and this is my ideal, not because someone around has it, but because it's what I really like or want." I think learning to hear your own positive internal voice is such an amazing skill, one that I am working on developing right now.

The first thing I'm doing to start hearing that voice is to stop telling my kid to ignore his and listen to others. Don't get me wrong, I want him to follow rules and be able to take directions, I just don't want him to ever stop listening to that voice that tells him who he is- regardless of anyone around him. Little kids for the most part hear this voice loud and clear. If they feel like dancing- they dance, music, no music it doesn't matter. If a little kid likes a shirt, they wear it every day and they aren't ashamed that they wore it yesterday or the day before, because they like it. I'm not saying I want to start wearing my dirty laundry, but I want that state of mind back. I want to be unapologetically myself.

The second thing I'm doing to reclaim this voice is to start getting to know myself better. I'm trying to be more conscious of spending time with myself and really thinking about what matters to me, and what my "ideal" looks like. I've been trying to pay attention to the times I feel genuinely happy or content. I'm trying to listen to my body and my heart when I feel unhappy or dissatisfied. It's been interesting to really put some effort into getting to know myself, I highly recommend it. Spend some time with yourself- think about the hard questions... where do you stand? What makes you happy? What makes you sad? When are you most content?

The more I've started to think about my relationship with myself, as just that a relationship the more honest I feel like I can be with myself. As weird or bizarre as it may seem to think about and really put time and energy into building a healthy relationship with yourself, it is one of the most important relationships you or I could have. Think about it, if you  take care of yourself, take time for reflection and mediate, if you spend quality time doing self reflection and really getting to know and love yourself, your ability to love and get to know others grows exponentially. I also think about what a great example it is to our children, to show them that self love is the so important. If we teach by example taking care of yourself, and being aware of yourself from the time they are so little they can gain even more than we ever could. Think about what the next generation looks like if we are raising children that love themselves, that take care of themselves both mentally and physically, that take time to reflect and that are so in tune with their bodies and minds, that have a solid foundation of who they are and what they value?? What does the world look like? What does their life look life? What kind of children do they raise?

For me, that seems exciting. It seems worth it to spend some time getting to know myself and working on being the best version of myself and what that can do for my children. I don't think we always realize how much our habits and examples influence people around us and particularly the people we are raising. So, love yourself today, spend some time with yourself today, and help your little ones do the same thing.

Being More Intentional

Lately its seems like I've had so much on my mind. I've had so many ideas and dreams that keep pestering me, but in the most unorganized way. I can't say that I have plans and processes worked out, but I've decided that would be a great place to start. While listening to a few different podcasts, I had the realization that instead of waiting for the whole plot of things to unveil itself in my head, I should start trying to be more intentional with my time and my mental energy. I'm never going to organize my thoughts and develop a solid plan if I don't take the time to work through things. It's like I'm constantly bothered that the kitchen is a mess, but instead of taking 15 minutes and cleaning it, I spend 20 whining and complaining that it's dirty.

I heard an idea once that said "If it takes less than two minutes to do, do it now." So many times I am guilty of taking more time procrastinating the task than the actual task would take. Well, no more I say! Time to get intentional. Time to put some mental and physical energy into working on what I want to accomplish. First things first- writing them down!

So, here's what I'd like to accomplish: I want to write a book, well I want to write lots of books, but for now I'd like to write one. I want to entertain. I want to tell a story. I want to create a world that I'd like to be apart of, and can go and escape to when life gets tough. I want to create characters that I'd like to be- or know. I want to take them on adventures and places I'm scared to go. I want to write a book that people read and say "I was entertained. I fell in love. I want to go there. I want to be this character, or I feel like I already know that character. I want to live in that world, and for a week or two I did."

I have a number of fears going into such a huge undertaking. The first one is my insecurities. I'm not the best writer, I am no grammar genius. I know my novel will take LOTS of help and support before it would be presentable. The second thing I'm worried about is the time and energy it will take to accomplish this goal. Some days I get to the end of the day and I barely have enough energy to brush my teeth, much less sit at my computer and create a world. My last worry is probably the most obvious, but I'm scared of being rejected. I realize that people will hate my work. I realize it won't be everyone's cup of tea, and honestly I think I'm ok with that, at least I hope I am. How do you really ever know something like that until  you're there? That is both the simple truth and the scariest thought, you don't know until you know. So, here goes, I want to know so I have to go and find out. Cheers to the big leap, and intentionally pursuing something you want! What's your big leap? What's something you really want, but have either been too scared or too disorganized to go after it?

Coping Skills

The more interactions I have with people the more I realize how important having good/healthy coping tools is for a successful human being. Having an arsenal of coping tools is essential to one's ability to navigate the unavoidable obstacles life throws at us. It's so much easier said than done and a lot of times I find myself mentally checking things off my list as I attempt to sooth myself during stressful periods of time with a negative attitude and a lot of doubt of their success. It seem like collectively using many of my tools is what makes the noticeable and substantial difference in a situation, and if I don't have many skills to make a collective difference it very much feels like putting a band aid on a bullet hole. As I've worked with people and got to know people I realize that the people that can't cope and that don't have a long list of skills, seem to make things worse for themselves, which only adds to their stress level. It's a domino effect- good or bad.  As I've been faced with stressful situations I've realized that my arsenal maybe isn't as full as I thought it was and I need to be constantly adding to my list of coping options as insurance for future stresses.

Here is my current list of coping tools I use regularly, and that feel the most effective:

1. Exercise- running in particular 
2. Taking a bath
3. Writing 
4. Eating chocolate 
5. Sleeping 
6. Cleaning 
7. Taking care of my family 
8. Talking to friends/family 
9. Being creative 
10. Watching T.V. 
11. Going for a drive 
12. Making a list of things within my control that I'm doing right 
13. Hiking- being outdoors 
14. Shopping 


As I read back through this list I realize it really isn't very comprehensive, what happens if one of my stressors is that I can't get out and move around? Nearly all of  my tools involve being able to move around. I need to work on developing coping tools that I can do when movement is limited. I also noticed that the tools that don't require much movement are probably the least healthy ways on the list to cope, so I need to be aware of that as well when I am developing my coping skills- little movement- but healthy and/or productive. Watching T.V. or shopping can be really effective tools, but they can also easily add to my stress when they aren't managed well. I need some good tools that I don't have monitor quite so closely.

I spent some time researching and talking to friends and family and came up with a list of other coping tools I may want to work on/develop:

1. Knitting/crocheting
2. Reading 
3. Find someone to serve 
4. Cook/Bake 
5. Paint 
6. Sew 
7. Crossword puzzles/ word finds/ puzzles 
8. Walk 
9. Garden 
10. Organize something 
11. Face mask- Foot scrub (Self care) 
12.  Yoga 
13. Essential oils 
14. Write down worst case scenario and ways you could cope with that 
15. Go see a therapist 
16. Create a schedule and set boundaries 
17. Go to lunch with someone who is a good support 
18. Watch funny videos 
19. Learn a new skill or develop an existing skill
20. Meditate 
21. Play with a pet - care for a pet 
22. Keep a gratitude journal 
23. Pray 
24. Adult coloring books 
25. Make jewelry

My goal for the week- find and practice three ways to cope that don't require movement (or limited movement) that are effective and healthy.

What coping skills do you use? What ones are move effective for you? How comprehensive is your list of coping skills? How effectively do you use your skills when a stressful situation presents itself?

Friday- Words for my child

Being a mother is something else. It's hard to describe it, it's difficult to understand, and yet most women want to experience it. We yearn for it, we would move heaven and earth to experience this strange thing that is motherhood. It's the hardest most challenging thing most of us go through- and yet brings the most satisfaction and greatest joy. I've been so lucky to know so many amazing woman who also happen to be mothers. I also know a lot of great people that are who they are because of their mother. Being a mother is big. It feels big. As I've watched my child grow, I find myself wanting him to skip all of the mistakes I've made and jump way ahead of anything I've ever been able to do or overcome. I want so much more for him. On social media I follow quite a few really inspirational mothers that seem to have so many amazing things to share and to say. There is one in particular that writes messages to her children- or words of wisdom for her babies if you will. I love it. I love reading what she has to say and seeing the most important things she wants them to know. Again (like my last post), I decided I wanted to do that too. I want to share little tid bits of things I've learned with my children, and hopefully one day they will read it and feel inspired- or motivated, or at least encouraged knowing that if nothing else their mom was absolutely obsessed with them and wanted them to have the world.

Words for my child: 

Not everyone is going to like you, but I will always love you. Not everyone is going to think you're funny, but I think you're hilarious. Not everyone will find you attractive, but you are the most handsome boy to me. Not everyone will appreciate your personality, but to me you're perfect. Not everyone will see your talents, but to me you have countless talents. Not everyone will think you're smart, but to me you're a genius. You, little man, are amazing. You will do amazing things. You can move mountains. 

I worry that you will let those negative voices that exist in every aspect of life and often times sound a lot like our own voice, get into your head and tell you you're not good enough. I worry that you will forget how great life is, and how being happy is so much better than being sad. I worry that life will get the best of you. So, don't let it. Don't listen to those voices, and don't forget that being happy is always better. Decide you're going to be happy. Decide that other people's opinions don't matter. Decide to not to let life get the best of you, instead give life the best of you. Take the best from life. It's just that easy, and it's just that hard. Decide to be happy and then go and be happy. 

You are my happy. 

Love, 

Your mom

Advice

Some of my favorite things to read are inspirational books or quotes. I love reading something that has the power makes me think and gives me hope. I also really love the ones that are so simple, yet so powerful and speak to so many different kinds of people. One I have posted all over my house is "Work hard and be nice to people!" It's so simple and yet SO true, and if more people did it we would live in a MUCH happier world!

Recently I read a Pinterest pin that someone had said was a snippet from their journal. It was words of advice they were giving them self. It's a little ironic because it was probably so personal to the author and meant something so specific to them, and yet it had been repinned something like thirty thousands times and counting. Everyone wants to hear those words that build them up and make them feel like they can accomplish anything and everything. No one gets tired of hearing they are strong and capable and down right great. These words got me thinking about what I would want to say to myself, what words of advice would I give to me? My perfect self would probably say something like this to my imperfect self:

This  is the original post I saw, I have linked it back to its original site (at least I think so!) 

What would you say to yourself? What words of advice do you need to hear?