Beautifully Painful

I've been thinking about something lately, and realizing that I might be getting to the age where you finally start to realize that you actual know nothing and in reality have so many flaws and downfalls to work on. I'm sure this coming of age awareness happens at a different time for everyone, but it seems to be one of those experiences that once it happens to you, you realize you are now officially "old". I say "old" with the utmost respect because in these terms it's when you officially shed what's left of your egocentric, self centered, narcissistic youthhood and enter true adulthood. This adulthood consists of constantly being reminded how much you actually don't know, how many times you were wrong, how many ways you've misjudged, and how unfairly you have treated people in the past. It's a real treat. Young (relatively young) people don't have this, and the longer you are in the "old" phase, the less you really are there, and age has absolutely nothing to do with it. It's those of us, entering or smack dab in the middle that feel the full monty of this painfully beautiful phase of life.

It's painfully beautiful to shed your rose colored mirror that has been planted right in front of your face for the past whatever number of years and realize that there is a whole world of people who are just like you and nothing like you at the same time. There is a world of people that you thought you knew and thought you understood, but in reality you have no clue at all what makes them who they are. It's painful realizing that when someone you know goes home at night and closes their front door, you have no idea who they are or what happens behind that door for them. It's the painful realizing that person you scowled at, or felt annoyed with actually shares more in common with you than you could have ever imagined. It's painful realizing that naughty kids aren't naughty kids at all, but kids who are actively just trying to figure out this confusing world and maybe carrying a heavier weight on their shoulders than you could ever imagine. It's beautifully painful to realize people really are just doing the best they can. It's beautiful to finally be honest about who you are and what you want out of life, and be unapologetically be that person. Its beautiful to stop caring what people think about you and start caring about who people are and what they need. It's  beautifully painful to realize you don't always know everything. It's painful to realize you are one tiny person in a world full of people who will always be much more skilled, intelligent,  beautiful and agile than you. Its beautiful to realize that skill, and intelligence, beauty and agility are small pieces to much more complicated people, and that you may actually appreciate compassion, kindness, generosity, and a listening ear way more than beauty, brains, or a body. It's painfully beautiful to realize you have something to offer this world, and even more painfully beautiful when you realize it's not a piece of your mind, but a hand, an ear, a shoulder, or a smile. It's painfully beautiful when you realize it's not the past you can change, but the now and tomorrow.

I've experienced quite a few beautiful and painful experiences over the last few days as this concept has been in the forefront of my mind. I've felt the sting of judgement, that I know I've dished to someone else. I've felt the smack of assuming something, to only be completely wrong. I've felt the beautiful feeling of letting go of judgement and replacing it with kindness. I've felt the beautifully free feeling of realizing I can't control other people, but I can certainly control myself. I've become painfully aware of my weaknesses, and beautifully aware of my ability to overcome them. These new wings of awareness are quite the weight, but now that I can actually see what I'm holding, I realize the true blessing of this gift. It's my choice now if I carry them around like a heavy weight on my shoulders or if I learn to fly.

Working on working

The past several months I've been on a mission of self discovery. My life situation has changed and it's caused me to take a look at every aspect of my life and reexamine it. Like I mentioned in my last post, I've been spending a lot of conscious time getting to know who I really am, instead of who I thought I was. It's been surprisingly difficult. It's not always easy to be totally honest and to allow who you truly are to come out. Some aspects are easy, sometimes it's hardly a thought, yup, I like that. Other times, the subject or question maybe complicated and the answer isn't always so clear, or still other times maybe I have such a strong reaction to something and I cannot figure out why I feel so strongly about something. Does that even make sense? (I'm both asking that question to you, and to myself... does anything really make sense to me?) :)

Anyways, because I've been much more aware of self discovery I'm trying to make an effort to spend more time doing the things I've learned bring me joy. One of those things for me has been writing, obviously blog writing is great, but novel writing more specifically. I talked about in a previous post that I was going to write a novel and be intentional about going after my goal.  I've tried several times in the past to write a novel, but slowly the "novel"ty- hahaha wore off and I would lose motivation 50-60 pages into the book. Thinking about all of my partially completed books makes me infuriated at myself. So, this time I set myself up in a different way. I'm approaching writing this book in a completely different way than all my others in the past. I am finding a lot of joy in working on it, doing something different and taking that time for myself. I'm working on working. I'm working on making work a priority instead of something I'll do if there is time and energy at the end of the day (which shockingly enough there never is, groundbreaking right?)

Working on work is something I've missed. I'm amazed at how much having a project to work on changes my state of mind. So many times we shy away from work or we do whatever we can to get out of work, but the mental and emotional boost that work gives us is undeniable. I feel better when I'm working on something for myself. Do you?

What are you working on?